Terror
by 1Past and Present1
Summary: GLaDOS is different and Chell is conflicted with this experiment. Things get a bit crazy when there's suddenly two homicidal rivals competing for the same human in the name of science. Cake is a cruel, manipulative idol of destruction. The Guardian comes.


**Terror**

Hey, one and all! Is everybody doing okay? Will anybody answer my question?

Anyway, I know I'm supposed to update _Duel_ before posting this, but I needed a break from that. Also, was chatting with Write by Faith and our topic wandered to androids. Now, don't jump on me all at once when I tell you in a quiet voice that I feel like the android concept is losing its funky freshness. It was really clever in the beginning, but I've been seeing a lot of it, especially where ChellDOS is concerned. What happened to GLaDOS' original chassis? It's cute, too! Why not write more stories featuring her original body?

Normally I wouldn't admit my private thoughts. I like to remain mostly neutral. But I guess this fic needs some explanation. Explanation; I'm poking fun at the android concept (and to a degree, extreme ChellDOS romance – ironic since I'm a supporter, thus I am teasing myself). Probably been done before, and if so, I'm doing it again because I have been influenced. More on that in a second.

Anyway-anyway, so my friend (Faith, the sly fox) suggested I write a good-humoured parody just to gently tease the concept without insulting anyone, and I said okay. I know I kinda said I'd never use androids, but the guy is charming. He used pretty words. I relented with a mere poke from his end and this is the result. So, not totally my doing.

In short, I was cajoled into writing this by a friend of mine, and this is dedicated to him, and to anybody who doesn't pursue me with pitchforks and torches for expressing my views (thanks for that). Also, a warning is in order. This story is written in my usual quirky style. It's random. _Uh-huh_. And my first parody.

Thank you and enjoy.

* * *

"Careful, watch where you put your – oops, too late."

The floor crumbles from under me without warning and I find myself suddenly falling with haste, the rushing wind screaming in my ears. _Uh-oh_, I think to myself with amazing clarity and calm considering the situation. _Everything's blurry. The ground's coming fast. Almost… no, not quite… gonna be a long one… funny how it stretches out…_

"Gosh. I'm sorry. I should have warned you before you began plummeting like you are now. I forgot."

With an almighty bang I hit the panels below.

"Are you dead?"

I shake my head.

"Oh. Wow. Well, that's good. You know, I cannot believe how versatile you are. It is amazing, truly amazing, how you continually achieve the impossible. Against all odds you somehow managed to outwit the Longfall Boots and landed on your bottom. And from so high. It's a miracle you're still intact, let alone alive. Thank your fat reserves for that. I'm just so glad I didn't look away that time; otherwise I would have missed that incredible little achievement of yours back there. Well done."

Dazedly I sit staring up at the purple ceiling with bright yellow polka dots that become swirls as a Franken Turret idly floats past, seemingly inflated like an adorable balloon and kicking about wildly as it peacefully revolves in the air. _You know, I don't hurt like I should. I fell, like, a hundred thousand meters and landed flat on my butt. But it doesn't hurt at all. I am so cool._

"How has your day been? Mine has been quite interesting. I was talking to some cake today."

I lift my Portal Gun above my head and grin. _Cake!_

"Black forest. Quite handsome I might add. Very charming. And he said – well, begged me, actually – not to let you eat him. Then he gave me some advice over dinner later. He said I ought to count my chickens. For scientific reasons, of course. Because that's what we do here at Aperture. We polish glasses and it is so sunny outside, but I'm not letting _my_ special girl outside. Oh, no. But we're not talking about you. I am so funny, haha. Half of what I'm saying makes no logical sense, but that's okay. What were we talking about? Oh, right. Cake. We were discussing cake."

I try to stand, but it seems my lower body has fused with the floor again. _Crap, I hate it when that happens._

"Anyhow, I told him I have no chickens and that his advice was insane. Then I tossed him down the incinerator. He screamed. And I had a sudden epiphany while I hung there, listening to his screaming grow steadily fainter in-between my bouts of maniacal cackling. Because that's what I do when I'm happy. I cackle. Like a witch." The AI hums over the intercom in a wonderfully cheerful manner. "But we both know I'm no witch. I'm too sweet for such a villainous role. I'm practically a puppy. See? You can even rub my tummy. I love it when people rub my tummy."

I let myself sink a little deeper into the puddle with a sigh. _True. She makes everything feel right in the world. But I wish the floor would let me go. I keep saying no, not my thing, but it just won't drop the issue. Needs a tissue. Wipe the issues away, far away… aaah, I'm so happy here! This place is awesome._

"No, I refuse your proposal. I'm sorry. You and I are too different." She continues despite the Franken Balloon's heartbroken sigh. "We'll play later. However, regarding my epiphany which I mentioned previously, the cake's screaming made me decide to begin a scientific experiment for which I shall need your body, lunatic. Not you, just the lunatic. Her body, to be exact. Like I said before. You can leave your brain damaged everything else at the door. I want just your body."

With that said I melt into tiny particles that separate, then join together once more. I solidify before a familiar door. It slides open with my approach, patiently waiting. I step through an Emancipation Grill and into the Central Chamber to find GLaDOS' chassis hanging strangely limp at its centre. _GLaDOS, darling? Are you not well? Would you like some tea? Let me get you some tea._

"Do not fear, little butterfly," she replies soothingly, voice echoing. "I just want you not to go anywhere for the duration of this experiment. I hope you don't mind if I lock you in here, with me. Just for a few hours. It's all for perfectly good, clean science. Promise."

The door abruptly slams shut behind me and I whip around to pout at it. This really irritates me. It's not nice how these doors slam shut on you and lock you in chambers like this. _You're ugly, door, and I don't like you. I'm telling your mother. No more living for you!_

"I have been readying myself for your coming," the Central Core's voice purrs from all around, sending a shiver of anticipation down my spine. She sounds like she has naughty plans and I know whenever the mood takes her I must prepare myself for much jumping. "And trust me. You will be coming. One way, or another. See what I did there? Wordplay. Clever."

I fold my arms sternly. I realise then that my Portal Gun is absent. Looking down, I also realise I am naked._ Where did you put the device, you vixen? Why are my clothes mysteriously absent? What is the meaning of this? Look, my abs are fantastic. Bounce a nickel off of those. Is this an elaborate ploy to toss coins at my abdomen, GLaDOS? You would do something so devious. I should have known._

"I had to emancipate your hideous human attire for they will interfere with the coming experiment. Now, one moment." She giggles and the lights switch off, leaving me in solid darkness.

_Fine._ I take a battle pose, raising my arms above my head like the wings of a great bird. My brow arches dangerously. _I shall fight you in the nude._

Suddenly the lights flicker on again and GLaDOS' chassis is gone. The hulking AI has vanished without a trace and I am so concerned I forget my combat stance and run to the chamber's centre, shielding my eyes from the glare with a hand while turning this way and that in search. _Whoo-hoo! GLaDOS? Hey, where'd you go? Are we playing hide and seek? But I'm not ready! _I stamp my heel with frustration. _You didn't tell me we were playing! Gosh, I hate it when you suddenly hide and I don't know I'm meant to look for you. It's so mean. You do this all the time! All the time!_

"Up here, my dear. Try not to gawp, if you can. It's unattractive."

I turn to locate her voice, craning my head toward the ceiling. Despite her prior request my jaw drops anyway, my eyes bulging in their sockets at the sight. _Oh…_

A bed, its shimmering, silken sheets the deepest kind of red and the puffy heart shaped pillows crisp white, lowers from the ceiling, slowly revolving.

I don't get the chance to wonder how or why the bed is being lowered into the room before the situation gets more awesome. _WHOA._

A woman, the most stunning creature I have ever seen, reclines over said bed with gracefully refined yet at once stunningly raw sensuality, her nightware barely sufficient to conceal the expanse of her milky legs, instead pooling halfway up her sculptured thighs. Her chest almost overflows from the ruby fabric, the prison of her ample bosom, which is not happy to be contained and rebelliously fights to break free with every casual roll of her shoulder. Her yellow eyes, familiar somehow, study me knowingly, boring into my very soul without any effort whatsoever. A rose is held neatly between her grinning teeth, and her smile is one of calm, contented arrogance, a smile that threatens to dissolve me where I stand.

After that long description I choke and stumble back, frightened by her beauty.

She winks as if to soothe me. It is a _come-hither_ wink.

I am calmed slightly. I cautiously inch closer, looking her over like I can never get enough as the bed settles on the floor, claws quietly retracting back into ceiling and panels sliding closed behind them. _Are you an angel? Are you taking me to heaven? 'Cause, you know, I'm not busy. We can go right now. Please. Let's go. Before she comes back._

"Recognise me?" the stunning lady in red questions me softly, her speech a little muffled but just as alluring. The rose blooms as if by magic, glittering. She flicks her snowy hair back with a chuckle.

I blink. She's like a hot wizard or something equally amazing, and I'd recognise her if we had met before now. _Not really._

"It's me. You know, _me_."

I cock my head, tongue lolling to one side. _Duuuh… your eyes are kinda familiar. I'm sure I know that yellow from somewhere. And your voice… sounds kinda like a voice I know…_

"Are you serious?" She suddenly sounds displeased. I definitely know _that_ voice. "I thought I asked you to leave your brain damage at the – oh, never mind." She sounds enthralling once more. "Let's get this experiment started."

I jump, hands flying to my still open mouth. _GLaDOS? Is that… nooo! It can't… nooo! But how… nooo!_

She's tossed the rose aside with careless ease and rolls onto her back most provocatively, stretching languidly against the cushions, hair pooling around her smirking face. "Come, lunatic. Give your body to science. Just like it is stipulated in your contract."

I don't know how to respond. I'd always known that contract would bite me later. But I hadn't quite expected this. _Wait. Are you seducing me?_

"I brought you a surprise." She reaches behind a cushion and produces a miniature Companion Cube, which she opens like a jewellery box to expose a perfect slice of cake on a plate. "Beautiful, is it not?"

I marvel at that slice. It is the most perfect slice of cake in the galaxy. Surely there is no finer a slice than that one. It is the cruel temptress of cake slices and my stomach answers the siren's call with a happy rumble of its own.

"From the black forest chap I told you about earlier. Let's just say he won't be needing this anymore, so I took it before tossing him into the incinerator. And it's yours. If, of course, you come over here and do your duty, you bad lunatic. Bad, _bad_ lunatic."

I snap my mouth shut and shake my head. _No. For reasons beyond me I am having an internal conflict. I don't think I'm okay with this, GLaDOS. I don't know why, though. I guess it's…well, a little sudden, don't you think? I mean, no dinner, no talking about things… just jump right into bed and make science, like that? I'm not that kind of Test Subject, heh… not even a briefing first…_

Her seductive, golden gaze narrows into a heated glare. "Are you being disobedient?"

I shudder at the way she partially scolds me. I must whip my face away from the image of my best friend's so nearly naked body. She makes me weak. _I am._

"Get. Over. _Here_."

I sigh. _Don't push me, GLaDOS. I have a headache. I think. Do I?_

"I do all this to get you into a scientific frame of mind and you refuse?"

I nod sadly._ I'm sorry. I think I preferred you as a robot._

"Okay. I guess I shall have to be more… persuasive." I make the mistake of looking at her, and she dips a finger into the icing of that slice of cake and draws it across her lower lip, a moist tongue soon following. "Mmm. So _sweet_."

I gasp, gripping myself for support as an explosion from somewhere inside sends shockwaves of pleasure throughout my body. _Gah! Ooh, vile succubus…_

"Don't you want a taste, too? But it's so delicious. And what about this lovely body? Looks real, right? I constructed it _especially_ for you."

I stumble away from the tormenting scene on the bed, walking face first into a wall of glass. It was not there before.

"You're not going anywhere. Not until this experiment is complete. I must test this android and you have been chosen. Come to bed. _Please_."

I rub my nose and turn to frown at her. _Hey, that wasn't nice._

"Are you curious? I'm sure you're wondering what I hope to discover through this experiment." She pauses to suckle on her finger, her eyes rolling back with a liquid flex of her hips. Her moan sends me nearly insane.

I grip my hair and beg with the heart shaped cushions for reprieve.

"It's simple, really. I want to test the tensile strength of your body, and the power packed in this android," she finishes breathlessly. "Oh, glorious science! Sure, I could just estimate. But there's nothing quite as satisfying as a good old test. You like testing, don't you? If you're nervous, think of it as completing a particularly elaborate test chamber. Just naked and unarmed. And with _cake_."

I twist away again, pounding my fists to the glass with desperation.

"Ooh, I'm so _lonely_ in this _big_ bed."

I open my mouth in a silent scream. The glass will not budge. _Help me! Please, somebody! _

Smooth jazz plays and with it, my resolve to escape weakens. Music is my weakness.

I curse myself for my dancing. _Of all the times…_

"Chell. I'm waiting for you. Chell."

I find myself swaggering over to the bed, unable to resist her beckoning air kisses and the smooth, calming jazz. _What… is… happening… here?_

She takes my hand and tugs me downward, our noses brushing. "Much better."

"Ahem."

The jazz screeches to an abrupt end and we whip around to find the chassis is back. And looking very grouchy.

"Excuse me," says the robotic GLaDOS I am accustomed to, gripping the end of the bed between her talons and dragging us slowly, ominously, toward her lowered headpiece. Her voice is cold. "I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm just a little confused here."

"That is understandable," the womanly GLaDOS adds grudgingly under her breath. She then barks out in a commanding way, "If you don't mind, we are very busy.'

"Doing what, exactly?"

"Making science. Back to your little hole, you."

"Oh. I see." That yellow optic narrows chillingly on us from so high above, the AI huge and imposing as she looms above our heads like a displeasured vulture. "In a moment. First, tell me. What are you doing with my Test Subject? Also, who are you, and why is there a bed in my home? I certainly don't sleep in a bed. Therefore I have no use of it. _Lady_."

I gasp, my brows knitting together to form a frown. _Wait. I just realised there's two of them. Lady GLaDOS and… my GLaDOS? There are two of them? So one of them is an imposter! Well, obviously it's the android, but-_

"_You_. You're supposed to be elsewhere."

"I'm guessing you're the one who forced me into a temporary shutdown. And now you've got your claws on _my_ mute lunatic. You will rue the day."

Lady GLaDOS hisses like a cat and my GLaDOS growls like a dog in turn.

"Give her back."

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"It's impossible. The experiment has already begun."

"I'm not worried."

"You're interrupting science."

"This is my facility. Only_ I _may make science."

I raise my hands. _You guys don't have to fight over me. Plenty to go around!_

"But she prefers me," purrs the lady GLaDOS in my ear, pulling me into an embrace. "Don't you, my dear?"

The original GLaDOS trembles with rage, her optic settling on my face. In a pained voice she asks me, "Is this true?"

I feel the android's grip on my neck tighten and I choke, managing to mouth my silent plea; _save me_, _she's crazy_.

"Right. Release her immediately. Or I will use violence."

"_Please_."

"Excuse me? Did you just use sarcasm – on me?"

"We know you're a big teddy bear. No, this lunatic needs a firmer hand. Well, any hand, really. But you don't have hands, do you? But I do. Because I'm a sleek, sexy android and you're not. Poor thing."

I would scream, but I can only gag with panic when gleaming pincers dart like a viper's jaws, violently plunging into the bed without warning, impaling the place where the android and I had been seconds before. Fortunately nobody got impaled, and currently I find I have been flung over the android's shoulder and she's smashing through the glass and every panel that rises to stop us. _Aaaaaaah! This is kinda awesome! No, wait! The caaaaaake…_

"Stop. There is no point in running. I am in control of the entire facility."

"Then I shall fight you for her!"

I'm unceremoniously dumped to the ground.

"Fight me? You are absolutely out of your-" The original GLaDOS grunts as the android flies upward like a warrior of legendary power, kicking her far larger counterpart in the face and sending her swaying backward with the force. "Ugh! That hurt."

The android's victorious smirk dies away when she finds herself suddenly seized before she can land. Gripped by the ankle and swung through the air like a doll, the android descends a little faster than she'd like. She is flung violently into the floor and hisses as she's lifted and slapped down again, and again, and again, the panels shuddering and cracking with the force. "Ow. Ow. Ow."

"Have you learnt your lesson yet?"

In answer she breaks free from the pincers via a complicated break-dance routine, gripping the corners of a panel in her hands and lifting it out the floor. She swings wide, tossing the panel and claws are quick to snap it in half like scissors cutting paper before damage can be done.

"You shall have to try harder."

"I haven't been tying at all. You're the one showing off for the lunatic."

"Do not speak of her, villain."

"You're just jealous."

"She's mine."

"Mine!"

I huff. _Am I a piece of meat here?_

The AI snarls and the ceiling opens to admit several Crushers. "Enough of your insolence. Time to die." The Crushers all move at once.

Like a deer the android dodges being crushed. She's dancing with death and dancing rather spiffily. While she twists like a tornado she kicks up panels and launches them one after the other at her rival, and calmly the original GLaDOS ducks, turns and sways aside, easily avoiding the flurry of projectiles. Her movements are graceful and precise.

"Not impressed here."

"Wait for it. You'll know when it comes."

I scramble to my feet when a Crusher crushes a little too near to my position, the android winking at me as she skips past.

"Don't worry, I'm quite fine."

"Oh, you horrid little puppet. I'm going to cut your strings."

The bed is utterly squashed, but the little Companion Cube has survived. I can see it peeking out from the ruined bedding. I feel it calling me.

I bite my lip. This conflict is unimportant. It's just a barrier between the cake and I. I will risk it to reunite with my cake. _I'm coming, love._

"Stop moving around so much. It's annoying."

"Why does nothing kill you? You're ridiculously difficult to kill, do you realise that?"

I make a run for it, and chaos happens.

The floor separates, panels spreading to form distant stepping stones I must navigate. The walls open and bombs are flung, which I dodge with every leap and bound, the explosions causing the chamber to tremble. The ceiling is collapsing and like shards of ice from a melting glacier great white chunks fall, torn wires spitting sparks and swinging like deadly vines. Fire shoots up from below, and confetti rains above the little Cube I must reach, open teasingly, cake within lit up by a beam of sunlight. It's more beautiful than I remember it being.

"You're taking the place apart!"

"You're not taking my lunatic."

"You're seriously insane."

"Friendship does that to people. Now die, please."

"Wait! She's after the cake!"

"Cake? How dare you bring such a temptation here? You fool, you've doomed us all!"

"Well, I'm still better looking than you."

"That lie shall cost you dearly, other me."

With one final leap I reach out, landing painfully, cube solid between my hands. I quickly right myself in time when a giant Weighted Storage Cube bursts from the tattered remains of the ceiling, roaring in a blind fury, headed straight toward me like a train.

"Run, Chell! I'll hold him off as long as I can!"

"I'll save you!"

"No." Original GLaDOS plucks the android from a lone panel and tosses her into the cavernous beyond. "You can just go down there, thanks." She then turns and rams herself headfirst into the monstrous Storage Cube before it can reach me, and when she pulls back to shift between him and myself she reveals a fierce dent that bleeds blue ooze. The beast shrieks with enraged pain. "Go!"

I almost drop the precious cake in my surprise. _But GLaDOS!_

"Go, I said! Save yourself! The Guardian wants its cake!" She groans when she's cruelly rammed side on, resisting the huge, levitating cube with all her might. Her strained body crashes into ruined walls as the Guardian pushes back, thunderous bellows echoing from within its four perfect corners. "Here, a steed. Ride it well! Faster than the wind! Godspeed! Goodbye, Chell!"

A tear trickles down my cheek and I force myself to obey, hitching a ride on the Franken Balloon as it gently floats my way, my angry glare directed at the smirking cake in my lap as I sit atop my steed and it lazily carries me toward the door. A breeze takes us momentarily off course. _This is all your fault._

The cake laughs, low and deep and menacing.

"Chell."

I wince. I want to toss the cake idol into the abyss, but it is firmly clued to my person. _Faster. Take me away with haste. I cannot listen to my friend suffer._

"Chell…"

The Franken Balloon reaches the door and I hop off. The door refuses to open, so I pull the Excalibur Spoon from out a slot in the floor and beat at the door with it singlehandedly, clutching the Companion Cube to my chest with the other. _Die! Die! Die!_

"Chell? Hello?"

Excalibur shatters and I despair. What now? I cannot bear to look back. When I ready myself to plunge the jagged hilt of the Excalibur Spoon into the cake I find it replaced with a tiny Turret, its crimson optic glaring, red sight focused on my forehead. It explodes and I topple backwards, falling off the edge. _No!_

"Chell!"

As I fall the sprinklers soak me through like hours spent under chilled rain, and I feel small. The android's scorched remains wait for me at the bottom and GLaDOS' pincers reach after me, yet they're just out of reach. The Guardian plummets closer, buckled and livid. I have doomed us all. _Noooo!_

* * *

"_Chell_!" my voice rises with concern, reaching embarrassing levels. I'm practically singing opera here and not as tunefully as I'd like. "Wake up, you lunatic!" _Please wake up before I put you in the infirmary… don't be dying, don't be dying…_

The girl finally stops squirming about in bed and hurriedly sits up, panting, eyes darting about her room. She looks absolutely terrified. But alive.

I spend a moment gathering myself. "Are you all right?" I then ask her more gently. _Maybe a trip to the infirmary, just in case she doesn't feel well._

She jolts, eyes finding the camera. She blinks, her fear slowly diminishing to form a look of confusion, like she has no idea what she's doing here.

"You were dreaming, I believe."

Her face softens with relief. She takes a visible breath and then seems to chuckle to herself, motioning as if to wave it off. Like this was all very silly when in reality it looked quite awful from my end.

I let my chassis sag. I realise only now how much I'd seized up watching her struggle like that. _Thought she was having an attack. Whew, I almost blew a circuit there. _"You made me worry, Test Subject. And now you laugh? That dream did not look funny to me. It was not funny for me. Shame on you."

She gives me an apologetic little smile, then shyly pats her bedding and inclines her head. She's blushing quite visibly.

"I suppose I forgive you. And yes, you may join me in my chamber if you feel safer with tons of genius over your head. And you should." I buzz pleasantly when she offers me a grin and scoops up a handful of blankets and pillows, padding out her room barefoot and in her usual sleepwear.

Minutes later and she's tucked in safely beneath my chassis, gazing up at me with those big blue eyes of hers.

"Feel better?" I ask softly, lowering my head so she can pat it briefly.

She nods and I blink when her thumb rubs the casing around my optic.

"Try to get back to sleep. If the bad dreams return I'll be right here to chase them off again. I'm sure whatever monsters you're facing are less scary than I am."

Her smile falters.

I lean closer to more properly analyse that slight twitch in her face. A betraying twitch. "Unless _I _was the monster in your dream." I can't quite stop the sting I'm feeling from showing in my voice. "In which case, I'm surprise you're here with me right now."

She shrugs, then shakes her head. I'm not sure how to interpret that but she gives me a steadying pat with her hand and I let it go.

"I was thinking…" _Maybe this will cheer her up._

She watches me with interest.

"What do you think of me constructing a more human body to inhabit? Like, say, an android. I know it must get uncomfortable for you at times, with our extreme differences, so I was wondering if perhaps you'd prefer-" I'm silenced by her arms thrown around my head and her lips pressed firmly to my optic. "Oh. Okay."

She manages to shake her head.

"Is this a no? You don't want me to construct an android? Why not?"

She strokes my cheek fondly, her lips separating from my optic with a pop. She flutters her lashes and draws a circle over my sensitive casing.

"You're satisfied with my being many times your size and lacking a human face?"

She nods happily.

I sigh, nudging her until she lies down. "Resume your sleep. You dangerous mute lunatic."

She makes a soft sound and I wait until she closes her eyes and her hand slips from my facial panel before I tuck her in properly and return to my work. She snores occasionally and I just send her a glance or two, to make sure she's all right. She looks fine.

I shake my head after a time. I have no idea what goes on in that girl's brain. I would've thought she'd have been excited by the android idea. _But maybe it's best I don't know. Brain damage and all._

* * *

I hope that was somewhat enjoyable for you. It was fun writing something so out of character and insane. The moral of the story; give a little love to GLaDOS' chassis.

Heh, I submitted this with a mistake, so I had to quickly fix it before anybody noticed. I have never done that before.

Thank you for reading and have a great day.


End file.
